I'm going to be honest with you. I really strive to be transparent & honest on my blog ( I hope you appreciate that). This week was hard. And by hard, I mean INCREDIBLY trying. Trying on my faith, emotions, ability to handle simple situations... etc. Everything felt like it was multiplied & all coming at me at once. I'm not sure if any of you have ever felt this way before, but it felt like the whole world was coming down on me & just challenging me in every single way possible. Lots... and I mean LOTS of tears were shed to numerous people over the phone or Skype. I was just at a loss. Homesickness hit me HARD. I was really struggling with negative thoughts & worrying, along with sleep deprivation... Just really anything you can think of, I was feeling. How miserable does that sound? This is an incredibly personal story in the next few paragraphs but I really hope it touches someone.
So this entire time, I'm reading the Bible, talking to Godly people for influence, & really just praying my little heart out & nothing seemed to be working. Every night I was asking my mom, "Mom, will it get better tomorrow?" Honestly, I'm sure that broke her heart to hear every single night. Your kid halfway across the world asking if it's going to get better & not being able to do anything but just say, "Yes. I'm praying for you & I love you."
I woke up this morning determined today was going to be a good day. I was going to make it that way. But I was trying to do it on my own strength. Yes, I was quoting verses but were they really penetrating me that deeply? So after class, I broke down & called Grandma. I just needed to talk to someone! Grandma, God bless her, sat on the phone with me for over 20 minutes just saying things like, "Hang in there sweetie." After a while, she was able to break in some humor. But I was still down after that. Just not really feeling like myself.. not happy little Hannah.
I came home & was around my roommates for a bit. When they all left, I sort of broke down. And by broke down, I mean in tears, asking God why I wasn't happy. I was basically pouring my heart out & committing that I indeed do believe. I walked into my room, got down on my knees, & pleaded to be happy. All I was asking for was a sign & some peace. A sign that things were going to get happier & peace to still my worrying heart. After a bit, I went to go check my phone, as JV & I had been talking earlier. When I looked, I had a Facebook message from one of my cousins. It was regarding a devotional email she hadn't looked at last week but then felt the need to read today. When she read it, she felt it was meant for me & sent it my way.. I starting reading. It honestly took my breath away. The article she sent was perfect for what I was feeling. MY SIGN. That was absolutely my sign. All of a sudden, & I mean instantly, I felt the peace. The peace & happiness I had been craving had returned.
The same cousin had messaged me this morning about my situation. We discussed how maybe I'm here because at home, I'm too busy for God. There are so many distractions around me & I'm always so busy & succeeding that I forget to look up. Maybe God sent me over here as a wake up call. He was basically saying, "Hi. I'm here. Do you wanna talk to me now that you have free time?" Well, now I have time & I'm listening. 100%.
I guess what I'm saying in all of this was simple. I had to get SO low that I was forced to look up. Sure, I was been a little homesick once in a while these past few weeks but nothing like these past few days. Once I started looking up, I got it. It clicked. I can't do this on my own. No one can. But God can do it through us. I guess I had to get so incredibly low that I was forced to rely on God. && now, I'm never turning back. I wish you could've been here to see the instant change in my mood or the smile that came across my face. It was that simple. God gave me my sign & made me realize that he never leaves us. He's always there & we're gonna get through this together. I don't need to spend my time worrying. I need to spending my time enjoying what God has placed all around us.
I leave you with what mom told me this morning... She was talking about how God created everything around us. From the clouds to the birds. She told me when I feel sad, to just look at the birds & realize how God takes care of them. See the beauty in them & in everything else all around me. When you get caught up in thanking God for his blessings, you no longer have time for the negative thoughts that were plaguing me.
My challenge for you this week? Look around you. Count all of your blessings - they're all around you. Even in little things such as the birds. When your mind starts to wander onto unpleasant topics, count them. Count em' up! My other lesson? Don't wait until you're at your breaking point to realize you need God's help. It's a lot easier when you don't have to go that low! Trust me :)
"But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength; they will fly up on wings like eagles; they will run and not be tired; they will walk and not be weary." Isaiah 40:31
-hannah-
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